
Signs of Dying.
Recently, I have been traversing the hard path of watching my dear friend and neighbor and his beloved dog come to the end of their time together. Beckett, a black box-headed Labrador, has a large brain tumor that will take his life. That much we know. Everything else seems to be a guessing game. How long does he have? When do we ease his pain and put him down? Is he in pain? Is he enjoying his days? How much joy is enough? How much pain is too much?
As we mull these impossible questions, I think of relationships that are on this same precipice of transformation – alive but dying. These same questions seem relevant: How long does this relationship have? Are we in pain? When do we ease our pain and let the present form of the relationship die? Are we enjoying our days? How much is enough joy? Too much pain?
After consulting with many wise and seasoned veterinarians, it seems there are actually some helpful signposts and maps for navigating this territory. Again, the guidelines given for compassionate care of animals had an uncanny relevance for human relationships.
The first step on the journey was to notice the symptoms. For Beckett the symptoms were clear – seizures. In relationship the symptoms could be ongoing fighting, that nagging feeling in the middle of the night that something isn’t “righting” itself, that something has gone out of the connection, or many other symptoms personal to each relationship.
The next step was to identify the root cause. For Beckett, it was having an MRI and finding a large brain tumor. In relationship, there is the moment you discover the deeper issue – mismatched values, daily incompatibilities, broken trust, lost intimacy.
Immediately, you do everything you can to fix it and relieve the symptoms. For Beckett, would surgery work? No. Can we stop the seizures? Yes. For relationships, getting help from trusted friends, therapists and parenting coaches can often help to identify the root cause and relieve the symptoms -the fighting quiets, the connection returns. But sometimes it’s terminal.
Now the limbo land appears.
More advice from the veterinarians: Watch for three signs.
Advice for hospice care of dogs is to identify three signs that will tell you that they are ready to die. Interestingly, these signs are best defined by the ones closest to the dog, they are not prescribed. With Beckett, we watch for his characteristic tail-wagging when its time for a walk. We delight in his enjoyment of his peanut-butter laden bone. We feel empathic discomfort in our own bodies, as we watch him struggle with his basic functions.
We are measuring the joy to pain ratio. Sometimes its hard to quantify.
In relationship, it’s possible to do the same.
What is your measure of joy? How do you know that your relationship is still bringing life to both of you? Perhaps there are certain activities you have always enjoyed that now fall flat or are absent. Are you doing what you love together? Identify the key ones that without them, it feels like a death, a death of the relationship.
What are the signs of pain? There is the question of basic functioning. Sometimes the stress levels get so high someone is not eating, not sleeping, not taking care of their basic functions. This is a clear sign. Then there are the other cues: ongoing fighting, disconnection and depression to name a few. Every relationship has its own expression of pain. Identify yours.
Then one of the hardest moments in relationship can come. Trying to decide when enough is enough. Has the quality of the relationship eroded enough to override the desire for longevity? How long do you fight to keep it alive? Extreme measures? Compassionate ending?
There are no easy answers. What I do know is that most of us believe that if our relationships end we failed. (When our pets die “before their time” it’s unjust/unfair, maybe we could have done more). But the truth of the matter is that some relationships last as long as we want them to, some end before we hope and some go on longer than we wish. Just like living and dying.
From years of watching relationships form and fall apart and coaching many couples in this transition, I stand firmly in the belief that some relationship problems have to be solved separately. That in order to heal, sometimes things have to fall completely apart. Healing can mean the end of that form of relationship with that person forever, or it may mean coming back together anew.
What I believe in deeply is the force inside all of us that wants to grow and heal. That every relationship from beginning to end is a vessel for this life-giving activity of healing, growing and transforming over a lifetime.
It’s okay to let go of a form of relationship, a form that we love, as dear as our beloved pets, to let go and surrender into the formless love that surrounds all of us, that we are.
It’s okay to say “enough is enough” when either you or your partner are in too much pain.
It reminds me of a gifted therapist who helped me through a relationship ending. In retrospect, I realize how profoundly compassionate she was, because she recognized when the amount of pain being experienced was trampling the tender flowers of healing that each person was trying to grow. Enough was enough.
This morning, I peeked out my window into my neighbors yard through a curtain of sweet grey rain. And much to my delight, I saw Beckett rearing up playfully with his dog friend, Twinkle, their bodies were leaning into each other, mouths open in mock fight, his large head cocked to one side, a gleeful growl pierced the morning air.
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