
This is what they taught us when we were children. Do you remember? This is how you cross the street. At the corner, before entering the crosswalk – stop, look & listen!
Who knew that these simple commands could also be the key to navigating conflict in relationship.
Have you ever noticed the rush of adrenlin as a fight begins to pick up speed in your relationship? It is a bit like standing in the street and looking into a rush of oncoming traffic, it can feel inevitable and unavoidable. But is it?
STOP
Imagine for a moment that you step back onto the curb. STOP. This is the first step to resolving conflict in relationship. Step aside and slow down. You can do this with your partner right in the middle of conflict, or perhaps you take a break for a moment. Notice how your “vehicle” is doing. Is your body tense? Heart pounding? Heat rising? breath constricted? Try noticing your breath and allowing it to slow down. It only takes a second. Notice your thoughts. You might be thinking- “He always says that! She is not listening to me! He is never going to change.” For a moment, turn your attention to the feelings under the thoughts. Notice where they are causing sensation in your body. Soften and let the feeling open and release it.
LOOK
Now perhaps you can begin to LOOK around again from this more centered place. Start to really notice what is happening around you, almost like a reporter would. State the facts. “We are standing in the kitchen, he wants…, I want…, we have different opinions.” Stick with the facts, only what is apparent without the filter of judgment. It is easier to do this when you are not talking, but you can also you do it within the conversation. Simply be the reporter, offer the facts as you understand them, no spin. You would be amazed how easy it is to cross the street, when you have a really clear sense of where the cars are and how fast they are moving.
LISTEN
It’s amazing what you’ll see and hear when you slow down and LISTEN. As children we were advised to use all our senses to perceive the outer world-cars in this case. In conflict, we can do this both on the outside and the inside. Start listening for the deeper truths being spoken. What is your partner really wanting? Feeling? What is the vulnerable innocent part of you wanting to say in the face of the oncoming traffic of conflict? Perhaps, “I am scared, I don’t know if I am safe, I don’t know what to do.” If you can’t say it out loud, at least tune into your inner truth channel for a moment because at the heart of all conflict is a sweet and simple truth that wants to be spoken or heard. A truth that will soften your heart, soften your partners heart and bring peace. LISTEN… you can hear it, it is constant like a heartbeat.
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