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Fault Lines: How to Avoid Earthquakes in Relationship


“I’ve decided to love you, in spite of all MY faults.”

This was the subject line of an email I received recently from my beloved husband.

What made this line particularly poignant was that it came the day after we had been in conflict over household chores. I had felt overwhelmed by all the work around the house and he had felt hen-pecked by my requests —sound familiar?

The dynamic had gotten quite prickly. I felt mystified by the strength of his response and fearing an earthquake of reactivity erupting between us, I decided to try to find some solid ground through talking. But, it wasn’t quite doing the trick, so we went to bed with it unresolved. It was truly amazing to receive his email the next morning describing the insights that had come to him!

The long and short of it is, he could suddenly see a lifetime of patterned response against “authority figures” that left him with only two choices:

  • to do what he was told immediately without question OR

  • to feel a defiant irritation , a big “Really?!” shouting inside him in a tone of disbelief.

He had decided I was the authority around the house that day and therefore I got his classic response. Suddenly he remembered that this wasn’t who I am, this was a projection of his past onto me and voilà-the email was sent:

“I’ve decided to love you, in spite of all my faults.”

Who is at fault in your relationship? Where do you habitually respond to your partner? It can be a really powerful practice to focus on our own reactions and their root causes, rather than believing our ideas about our partners “faults.”

Here are the steps for avoiding earthquakes in relationship:

  • NOTICE repeated behaviors of your partner that reliably piss you off, irritate you or generally drive you crazy.

  • WRITE a “fault line” journal, describing the things that set you off.

  • MARVEL at how repetitive and familiar the “triggers” are for you.

  • ASK yourself, “what or who does this remind me of from my past?” “What feeling arises? This will help you discover the filter of memories through which you are seeing the present. And most importantly, to let long-held feelings release.

  • GET CURIOUS! Instead blaming your response on the outer circumstances, let them be an opportunity to clear stale belief, memories, feelings and stories.

  • SHARE your insights with your partner. You will both feel liberated!

  • ENJOY the lightness and renewed intimacy that comes when you put down the weight of projections from the past.

If we can begin to notice the small cracks in the ground of our relationships, earthquakes can be avoided. Don’t let the pressure build up over days or years. Find the solid ground of insight and truth-sharing.

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