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What’s at the Bottom


There is that moment that we all dread. When our relationship hits rock bottom. When the same fight has come around again, and there are no solutions in sight.

Maybe there are children involved and the thought of divorce is crossing your minds. Or, perhaps you are divorced, but you continue to face the same issues with your co-parent.

This can be an incredibly challenging time to see anything but a bottomless pit of stuckness.

What’s at the bottom?

Have you ever noticed how your particular version of “stuck” looks and feels very familiar to you?

Memories: Perhaps it reminds you of your past –times that you experienced this same predicament in other relationships.

Emotions: Perhaps you are feeling certain emotions that seem to haunt you- for some it is anger, disappointment, loneliness, sadness or hopelessness.

Stories: Perhaps you have a story about your partner, that seems to be repeating throughout your life –“men are never there for me” or “women always leave me.”

It can feel like this situation has been shadowing you all your life, or like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe, no matter where you step, there it is.

Bottom-fishing

Strangely enough, there is a hidden treasure in the midst of the muck. And even stranger still, this particular treasure is most often seen in long relationships and especially when they are bottoming out.

This is not the treasure of the “thrill of attraction”

This is not the treasure of “tantalizing courtship.”

This is not the treasure of “getting to know each other”

This is not the treasure of “the first years of all things are possible”

This is the treasure of DEEP INTIMACY.

The kind of intimacy that goes to the very bottom of our souls. That touches the tender core of ourselves. That reveals all the debris in the way of the treasure.

And that is what conflict in relationship truly is: a chance to see the debris.

Strangely, that is where we often stop. We are bogged down in our problems, and then we get transfixed, we start believing whole-heartedly the memories, stories and feelings, as if that is all there is.

What is most tragic, is that at the end of relationship, or when we hit bottom, that is the time we most often justify bailing out. Thoughts appear like:

“Oh, not this again, I am out of here.”

“Oh, forget it, we have tried over and over and it never changes.”

AND WE BELIEVE THESE THOUGHTS!

But WAIT!

What is that little glimmer of gold over there? What is the compulsion I feel to keep swimming deeper? What is that latch that seems to be attached to something…

TREASURE!

The treasure of self-connection.

The treasure of forgiveness.

The treasure of truth-telling.

The treasure of kindness.

The treasure of acceptance.

The treasure of love.

The practice:

What if when conflict arose we asked these 3 simple questions:

  1. What is the false story I believe about myself or my partner, entirely based on the past? Secret hint: if it is a familiar story, then it’s based on the past.

  2. What am I feeling and how can I love and take care of myself more fully right now? What is the kindest action we can take right now for both of us?

  3. What do I want from them that I expect from no other person? Can I meet this need myself?”

And perhaps, just for a moment, your vision can widen and you can see the vast blue of the sea below you, the sky above you, and notice the treasure, the treasure of you, of your partner, of this painful but purposeful moment- all designed to unlock the chest of treasures, deep inside you, temporarily buried, treasure already on its way to the surface, shining brightly in the light.

Now here is something to remember about deep intimacy. Only this person knows how to set you off in this way, whether you stay in the relationship or choose to separate, it’s like this person has a particular key to the depths of you.

We only get a few opportunities to go that deep with a person in this lifetime. So, don’t throw the opportunity away. If you are facing intractable repeated conflict, take the time to reap the rewards, keep going, don’t give up and get support if the bottom feels bottomless.

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