Perhaps you have heard the phrase: “What you resist persists.”
Recently I was trying to untie some knots on a rope holding up a hammock. I found myself getting more and more frustrated as I tried to forcibly loosen the tangle of knots. I noticed that the weight of the hammock was adding just enough extra pressure to keep the whole mess tightly in place.
Aha! The moment of insight and clarity came: Take the pressure off the knot!
I lifted the weight of the hammock up, with the little bit of breathing room it provided, I could gently coax the knot open through wiggling and loosening each strand until the whole thing came undone and a single rope lay on the ground ready for reuse.
Have you ever noticed that the more you “work” on a problem sometimes it only seems to make it worse? This can be especially true in relationship.
Our desire to rehash the events that led to a conflict, talking through the past events over and over or projecting the problem into the future and preparing for them to happen again can lead to utter frustration and hopelessness.
Often when we bring our energy and attention to an issue, we are trying to fix it, manage it, make it not happen again, in essence: RESISTING. This is the exact “pressure” that causes the knot to tighten and get stuck.
Try this:
The next time you find yourself in a knot in your relationship, whether with your partner or your children:
TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF.
First of all, notice what pressure you are putting on yourself and the situation. Are you trying to fix it, change it, manage it, so that it stops happening? See if you can accept this force in you that wants to fix it. Notice how this feels? Are you gripped, tense? What part of your body is locked? Gripping? Your jaw? Your stomach? Your shoulders?
GET COMFORTABLE.
See if you can make yourself more physically comfortable. You might need to walk away from the situation, take a walk, take a bath, sit down somewhere quiet for a moment. Or, just simply try to relax inside the situation.
FESS UP.
It can help to be the “reporter” in a situation. Just start to report what is happening. “You want this to happen, I want that to happen… I am feeling frustrated, you seem angry… We don’t know how to solve the problem yet.”
WAIT.
The solution to untying the knot lies in slowing down and noticing what is there.
ONE STRAND AT A TIME.
The “strands” of conflict usually consist of beliefs, feelings, needs, memories and fears about the future. We tie them all together and then feel caught. If you can name these strands for yourself and help your children name them, then you have successfully untangled the first strand. Then the next strand will reveal itself (oh, loosen this one)! which leads to the next, to the next, until the knot is undone.
RELAX AND RECEIVE.
There is nothing to fix or change in the present moment there is only what is. And the power of conflict resolution lies in our ability to take the pressure off, relax and receive the solution as it arises.
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