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Unguarded Power


There is nothing like years of relationship to help create some hardened ideas about each other. And believe me I have heard a litany of “evidence” from many of my clients, on why their harsh assessments of their partner are based in fact. This is not to say that we all behave well all the time.

But where did the idea come from that being harsh would protect us?

I truly understand the roots of self-protection. For many of us, there were real threats during childhood to our emotional and physical well-being. And even in your existing relationship, you may have weathered hard patches that can leave you feeling torn or battered.

Now, I am not talking about situations where you are truly still in danger-say in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. I am talking about what many people experience as standard relationship, where over time they just close their hearts down little by little and get more jaded over time towards their partner. This is the perfect breeding ground for thoughts like:

  • Why bother?

  • Maybe it’s time to leave?

  • I can’t believe I am stuck with him/her.

  • Can you believe he/she acts that way?!

The strange thing is we actually believe our thoughts and act accordingly and then wonder why nothing ever changes or why we feel miserable.

As far as I know there is one fail-safe remedy for this situation:

DROP YOUR GUARD.

With yourself. With your partner.

Take every opportunity that comes your way to drop your guard and open your heart.

I hear your protests:

  • If I open up, he/she will hurt me again!

  • I can’t afford to be vulnerable.

  • No way am I going to be the first to soften!

But what is really true? When your partner is being harsh, whether you have your guard up or not, you can probably feel it. The only difference is when you go in with a shield around your heart, not only do you feel their pain directed at you, but you have added to it, by self-inflicting the wound of a closed-heart.

And, worst of all, you have cut off the power source of healing- YOUR HEART!

Do you know what I am talking about – do you know how it feels to live shut down to love?

  • It’s like your gripped on the inside, permanently

  • No matter what activity your doing, it’s not that enjoyable.

  • The whole world rubs you the wrong way

Whose being protected now? Even if your partner is not around, your still suffering.

There is nothing weak or vulnerable about an open-heart.

In fact, there is nothing more resilient and powerful than an open-heart.

If you want to guard something, guard this with your life: your power to “lay down your sword and shield.”

“Easier said then done,” you say.

Perhaps. But it takes a lot of energy to stay closed off. This is not our natural state. And once you start practicing, you would be amazed at how strong your “unguarded power” can become.

So, here’s the practice:

NOTICE every single time you speak harshly about your partner. And I mean every single time. You might be surprised how big and small the packages of harshness come in. Take one day to notice (and perhaps write down), every correction, every under-the-breath comment and criticism.

It doesn’t matter that you can find at least 5 people who agree with you about your partner’s faults – is that really helping?

The point is you are hardening yourself every time you attack, brace or sulk. Then watch what happens on day 2, 3 as your awareness of this tendency grows clearer and clearer. Perhaps you have heard about the scientific studies describing how particles behave differently when someone is observing them.

REPEAT BEFORE REACTING. Repeat to yourself exactly what your partner is saying when they come at you with complaints, criticisms or even out and out angry words. For example, if your partner is saying “you never show me you love me!” you would repeat to yourself “she feels that I never show her my love.”

You would be amazed at how quickly we take something personally. We don’t hear what they are saying, we feel the heat of the delivery and hear something else entirely, perhaps “I am not good enough, I didn’t do it right, I, I, I…” We take things very personally.

So try a little repeating, you can even say it out loud to you partner. Simply repeat back what you are understanding them to say. No spin. “So, let me see if I understand you, you feel like I never show you my love.”

GET CURIOUS. Aren’t you a wee bit curious what the heck your partner is trying to say, however ungracefully? Wouldn’t you like to get to the bottom of it, so that the repeating can end.

Given a little time and attention, it is amazing how quickly the truth slips out, the real truth, the deeper truth, hidden beneath the veneer of harshness.

LIVE WITH UNGUARDED POWER. Once you get a feel for life without a hard heart, I don’t think you will want to go back. And thankfully, we are given many opportunities to strengthen this muscle in our close relationships, in traffic, at the bank. The generosity of opportunities to practice softening will astound you.

Imagine if all those years of holding grudges, rigid thinking and defended behavior could dissolve each and every time you choose to love, and that you are being given a personal invitation to step into your unguarded power over and over again each and every day.

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