Recently I was speaking with some clients on the hot topic of the “I hate you” moment. At some point in our parenting experience, most children will try out these dreaded three words and both parent and child might be surprised by the strong reaction that appears for everyone involved.
One of the biggest challenges as a parent is to notice when we have hit the fast forward button. A dear friend of mine and I have a code word for these thoughts, we call it the “ending up in juvie (juvenile hall)” moment. Here is how it goes…
You get a call from your child’s teacher and they report that your 13 year old son/daughter has just got caught writing on a desk, or stomping out of class, or calling someone something unkind and suddenly your mind “fast forwards” and you imagine the sequence of events that will culminate in their eventual incarceration. Now, with all the pre-conditioned ideas about adolescence it is not hard to imagine why this might come up.
But this also happens to parents when their children are in the 3-7 year old range. Your young child is throwing violent tantrums in the super market (you see a padded white cell in their future), your child doesn’t have the slightest impulse to share their toys (you see a life of isolation and loneliness), etc.
You have hit the fast forward button. And it isn’t a pretty picture.
So, back to the “I hate you” moment. This can be particularly challenging for parents. The word “hate” for adults is associated with racism, sexism, crime and self-destruction (just to name a few light topics). Talk about fast forwarding.
For children it may mean something entirely different.
I invite you to think of a moment you have been inclined to speak these potent three words. What can you remember about what sparked the desire? How did your body react to the situation-repelled, drawn in, tensing, relaxing? And most importantly, what feeling was arising? Anger, hurt, surprise, powerlessness? Did you feel strong and centered or reeling and small?
Children are inherently in a less powerful position and when strong feelings arise “I hate you” can pop out. I hate that you have the say in this situation, I hate that I have this strong feeling in my body and I don’t know what to do with it. I hate that I feel so vulnerable and I both need you and I am angry with you.
These are key moments of learning as parents. Learning about our conditioned responses, and being curious enough to wonder what is actually true for your child.
If you have a young child, sometimes they will try out these words and when they get a strong response become even more curious and try it again, and again until they figure out what’s happening.
The job of the young child is to experiment, test and try out everything! Life is a laboratory in which everything is new. What happens if I do this? What happens if I say this? If we are not careful we can squash this innate curiosity by falling back into our conditioned responses.
The best advice I can give you for these moments with the young child is “lighten up.” Play with them in it. Don’t make it bigger than it is. It is just an expression of a feeling, and the good news is that feelings come and go. Let this one come and go too. Try not to get entangled in the meaning or trying to control it. Walk away if it bothers you. Perhaps try to sense what just happened, what might they be feeling?
GET CURIOUS!
Now, for the older children the response can change, get more nuanced. Initially best to just let them have it. Don’t try to change it, respond, or react. Remember your own moment of “I hate you” and see if you can hold them (and you) in compassion.
Move away if you don’t like it. But come close soon.
Go a little deeper with them. Help them see the feelings that fuel those words, give them tools for expressing anger, frustration and hurt that will more effectively get their needs met and most importantly love them up. Separate the words from the child, you may not like the words, but you love the child. Lastly, I invite you to try this exercise I use with my clients:
Just say “I hate you” out loud (perhaps in a private room, if you feel shy)
Say it over and over and see what happens to you
What thoughts or images emerge?
What do you feel?
Are you ashamed? Can you even do it?
Do it until it doesn’t have any charge left on it
Our tendency is to try to hold back or control impulses that we don’t like in ourselves. And our children provide the perfect reminders of what we do and don’t like. But actually finding safe places to exaggerate and allow “the unwanted” to come out can be the best healing. Try it for yourself, and perhaps you will be stunned how different you feel the next time your child speaks those “dreaded” three words: I HATE YOU!
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