
Recently I gave a presentation to 30 kindergarten parents on “Playful Conflict Resolution.” I asked them the question, “What does your child do that drives you crazy? That you can’t stand?” I asked them to be honest and uncensored (it was anonymous). Here are some of their answers:
I can’t stand it when my child:
Refuses to share their possessions.
Whines. Whiny complaints.
Says ‘No!’
Having a tantrum in public – crying, yelling and screaming.
When my child is disrespectful to me, especially in front of other people
Doesn’t listen to what I am saying
Screams
Won’t get in their car-seat.
And this one captured it all:
When I can’t get them to do what I want them to do!
Was this an unusual group?
Were we in some special class for defiant kindergarteners?
Absolutely not!
After 20 years of working with families and children, these same complaints by parents are repeated over and over at this time of their child’s development.
Perhaps it sounds familiar to you?
It all boils down to one word:
NO.
NO.
NO.
How do you feel about “no?”
The next thing I had the parents do is stand up and say “no,” – actually stomp their feet and quite loudly say “no.” What is very interesting is that for some this was easy, for others slightly uncomfortable and for some downright impossible. So, you can imagine that having a child say “no” in all different kinds of ways is going to make many a parent uncomfortable if we can’t say it ourselves.
Why is it so? It has a lot to do with conditioning. What do we think about a child (or an adult for that matter) that says “no.” In our culture and families sometimes children who say “no” are called: bad, defiant, problem-children, unlovable, repellant, unlikable, difficult…just to name a few.
Now here is the truly sad truth of the matter. “No” is absolutely critical to the development of the kindergarten age child. They are testing out being independent and at the same time rely deeply on their parents and must feel secure in that parental love to even dare to become independent. So when they try on that “no” and get ignored, judged ostracized or made bad you can bet that makes it difficult to feel safe being independent.
Now, truth be told, I have been there. It is very difficult when you are in a public place and your child is throwing a “no” tantrum. And I am not advocating that children be free to resist and argue without boundary in our families and society.
But as a parent, I can tell you, as you probably already know, that to resist the “no” is quite painful and prolongs the ordeal.
So, my invitation to you is to make friends with your “no.” Perhaps stand up now and stomp a few times. See how it feels to you. The sooner you discover your own blocks to “no” or rediscover your delight in a strong “no,” the easier the next “show down” with your child is going to be.
So, the next time they say “no, no, no!,” before you say anything, see if you can smile inside and say “wow, my child is practicing and developing their autonomy all within the safe container of my love.” They are not trying to make your life difficult and they won’t be ornery forever.
Start by allowing the no. Don’t fight it. A no to a no leads to a power struggle and their is nothing fun about that! Just soften and maybe even say, “you don’t want to….” and then wait. wait. you don’t have to do anything, let them have their “no.”
It won’t take long. Then when they see nothing happening they will crawl into the car-seat, pop the broccoli in their mouth, or run to the bathroom to brush their teeth.
A wise teacher once told me you can’t have a genuine yes until you also have your authentic no.
Comments