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Listen Closely


In the midst of change, with all of its unknowns, our ability to listen deeply can be greatly challenged. Indeed, we might find that other coping mechanisms kick in such as:

  • trying to control the situation

  • staying busy so as not to feel fear

  • obsessively problem-solving

  • looking for the “why?” of it

All these natural responses have their place and their benefits and yet the subtler responses that bring us more peace and produce kinder outcomes can be overlooked.

How do we find compassion, empathy and understanding not only for ourselves but for our children when our families are changing formation?

At the heart of all of these deeper intentions is the practice of listening. Listening to ourselves and listening to our children. This can be challenging when the feelings we are having are hard for us to handle. Thankfully, there are reciprocal gifts of practicing compassion for our children and their feelings, thoughts and ideas. Listening is a state of being, beneficial to all.

Here are three guidelines for listening deeply in times of change:

ALLOWING FEELINGS

“Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going, no feeling is final.” ~Rilke

The Practice:

Allow your children to have the depth of their feelings and listen without fixing.

The Challenge:

  • Parents often fear that feelings won’t end, and will lead to depression or worse in their children.

  • Perhaps even more difficult is that to “be” with our children’s feelings, we have to feel our own and this can be an uncomfortable sensation.

  • Children often express the unexpressed feelings in ourselves and in our families.

The Benefit:

  • Expression and allowing of feelings is the best prevention for ongoing emotional stress.

  • Being with and allowing your children’s feelings fully, allows the feelings to pass through more quickly.

  • You are modeling for them that feelings “move” and that they won’t stay stuck if they have feelings. This shows them a model of allowing feelings, not suppressing feelings, which is great for their long-term emotional health.

MIRROR THEIR EXPERIENCE

The Practice:

Mirror exactly what your children are feeling, thinking, sensing first. Before going to problem solving, be the reporter. Your job is to try to really understand what they are saying, thinking and feeling without any spin.

The Challenge:

  • The tendency is to want to help immediately. Notice any desire to problem solve as a way of dealing with the discomfort of what they are saying.

  • If they say ‘I wish we all lived together again” then mirror that back, don’t go to the reasons why it is better this way.

The Benefit:

  • Their most primary need is to understand what’s happening inside themselves, and you can help by being a mirror. Again, this is an incredible gift for them for their whole lifetime, they will internalize kindness/patience and understanding towards themselves.

EVERYTHING IN ITS OWN TIME

The Practice:

Allow your children to have their own timing. If they don’t feel any pressure or expectation to move on, get over their feelings, see things differently then their hearts and minds will naturally open up again and healing happens more quickly.

The Challenge:

  • Because adults can see the big picture and have more analytical abilities they can sometimes adjust to change more quickly than children.

  • For children, they are very much in the present and they tend to be more connected to their bodies, so integration has a more organic (often slower) pace.

The Benefit:

  • When children are honored in their own timing, then their authentic expression of love (not forced) shines through.

  • Patience is cultivated, and less striving, pushing and controlling happens.

Here are some other tips to keep in mind:

Listening is hard if children won’t talk. Don’t give up. Start with what they give and ask simple inviting questions to help clarify: “it sounds like you are feeling sad, is that true?” Or, “I can imagine feeling frustrated or out-of-control if I were in your shoes. Is that true for you?”

Heart to heart body language. Use the power of your presence and your heart to open to your child. Are you in a comfortable position physically? Get down on their level, literally see eye to eye and speak heart to heart.

Ditto. Children’s feelings in divorce will often mirror our own. Take the opportunity to open your heart through your children’s words. You are not to blame for your children’s feelings, you are in it together, doing the best you can.

For example, children often express that they don’t like that things are changing and they want things to be the way they were. If these statements from your children are hard to hear, it might be time to make space to grieve the changes you are going through, the loss of what you were so you can make way for what you are becoming, a family finding a new formation.

So listen closely and discover how the three treasures of:

Empathy: the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions.

Compassion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Understanding: being sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving. a willingness to understand people’s behavior and forgive them.

Live right in the heart of the conversation.

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