One of the most painful aspects of divorcing with children is the feeling that your family has ended. And indeed, one form of your family has ended. For children, the most painful part can be feeling that they no longer have a family. But what really defines a family?
No matter how many houses you live in, or how much time children of divorce spend with each parent, there is a primary resource that defines family: LOVE.
Believe me, I know it can be a scarce commodity between parents in the heat of divorce. For children, they experience their parents as two halves of themselves, so if one parent is attacking the other, the children can experience this as an attack on themselves.
What the children want is for everyone to stay connected, and CONNECTED WITH LOVE, so they don’t have to feel split inside.
This can be enormously helpful to understand as a parent going through divorce, because it reveals the INCREDIBLE POWER you have to recreate a sense of family during divorce. The primary power parents have is to find a loving response to themselves, their children and even their co-parenting partner.
This can feel like a stretch at first. I mean, come on, this is a divorce we are talking about, there are many faults and limitations each parent can find in the other. Some of them are the exact reasons for the divorce. However, it is equally true that there are strengths and gifts that attracted one person to another that led to the marriage and children in the first place. Divorce does not erase these positive experiences of the past.
So, keep your eye on the prize, and rely on those positive memories from the past to help you recreate a SENSE OF LOVING CONNECTION now, for the children’s sake and for your own- because, believe me, it feels better to live with appreciation rather than criticism. Not only that, but it also changes the outcome of your interactions dramatically when you come from a place of compassion instead of attack, and this is better for all involved – you, your children and your co-parenting partner.
“Keep your eyes on the prize” is number 2 of my “10 Commandments for Collaborative Co-Parenting” listed below. Two ways to practice this more fully are:
APPRECIATION PRACTICE
For at least one day, notice every time you have a negative thought about your co-parenting partner, or criticize them in front of your children.
Use it as a “red flag” reminding you to remember the positive.
See if you can find one thing you appreciate about them and speak that out loud to your child, or say it inside to yourself.
Notice how you feel when you say they negative statement, notice how you feel when you say the positive statement.
Notice how optimistic/pessimistic you feel about finding solutions with your co-parenting partner when you are in each state.
If you can, do it for a week.
After a week, write down any changes you notice from doing this practice, either in how you feel on the inside, or what is happening on the outside.
GRATITUDE PRACTICE
Before you go to bed each night, think of one thing you are grateful for that your co-parenting did that day, that week, or in the past.
It can be small: he/she picked our child up on time when changing houses.
It can be large: what I am grateful for is that my co-parenting partner is generous/funny/bright/a good cook, etc… pull from the past if the present is cloudy right now.
After a week, write down any changes you notice from doing this practice, either in how you feel on the inside, or what is happening on the outside.
I hope you will take a moment to change your life and the life of your children, by doing this simple practice, or the other 9 practices listed in my next blog entry, “10 Commandments for Collaborative Co-Parenting.”
You’ll often hear that children of divorce just wish their parents were still together. Do what you can to make their wish come true, and weave a sense of togetherness through your deep commitment to staying connected to love and appreciation as much as you can.
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