Coming Together Without Coming Apart During the Holidays
In the beginning:
For many of us the impending holidays bring both excitement and dread.
It’s a complex time where on the one hand we look forward to time spent with our family, engaging in activities and rituals that only happen once a year and taking a break from our routines and rhythms.
On the other hand, memories can arise of past holidays with relatives we rather not know, tense and sometimes volatile conversations fueled by holiday libations or the friction of faiths as they try to intermingle.
To top it off, a wide range of emotions arise including joy, love, excitement and happiness along with disappointment, sadness, fear and anger.
Add to this the layers of expectations, personality and beliefs and you have a confluence of forces that are bound to conflict at times.
What to do?
We all know about preventative health care. What about preventative holiday care?
We often enter into the holidays already stressed out. Then we expect ourselves to be calm and easy-going as we ramp up to large meals, group events and highly anticipated rituals with family.
What preventative steps can you take now, before we enter the thick of it?
Step up your exercise game. Recommit to a regular routine of enjoyable physical activity to reduce stress, increase your metabolism for the coming feasts and flood your system with happy-inducing endorphins.
Give up the striving. Build in more sleep and relaxation. Create a resilient and deeply rested nervous system that will be ready for the delightful stimulation of the holidays.
Dream up a self-care plan. Imagine the typical times and places you get stressed during the holidays. Maybe you are the one who makes all the delicious food and you want it to be the best but you end up crazed and cranky in the process. Decide ahead of time how to avoid getting overwhelmed, maybe enlist two or three “helpers” to take over the kitchen when you need a break. Delegate. Ask for help.
Make up with loved ones. Plan to meet with any loved ones that you have repetitive conflict with during the holidays and see if you can broach the subject before the heat is on. Share with them what you notice.
For example, “We seem to have different ideas about the flow of events should go during the holidays. Maybe we could talk now and come up with a plan together about how the special day will go so that both of our good ideas can be implemented.”
Draw up a peace treaty. For families of differing faiths, make a time before the holidays to share about your traditions – why they are important, favorite childhood memories. Dream up some ways that all the rituals of each faith could be honored.
In the thick of it:
Despite all our good intentions, conflicts happen. Despite the discomfort, conflict can also be an excellent opportunity for deepening connection and understanding. The challenge is to move from conflict to curiosity.
The basic dilemma is that when we are in conflict our bodies are alert, muscles tense, hearts racing, thoughts pointed, everything poised and ready for fight or flight. Creative problem-solving and an open-mind are scarce commodities.
What to do?
Check your temperature. Are you on the rise, heating up or already red “hot” inside. What can you do to cool down? Pause. Breathe. Reflect.
Notice if you are raising your voice or repeating yourself in an effort to be heard. Are your words falling on deaf ears? Time to switch gears. Go from driving your point home, to making a home for words to land.
Listen closely to what is being said, what is the point that is trying to be made. Are you understanding this person?
Take the big view. Report what you see is happening, “it seems like we are not understanding each other” or “I want to get your point and for you to get mine, maybe we could try again.”
When all else fails, take a time-out. Walk away from the situation for a moment, or as long as you need.
In the aftermath:
Conflict happens. In fact, that is not the problem. Our ability to repair our relationships after conflict happens can be the biggest challenge. We can have an aversion to “re-opening” the wound. But in fact, it needs tending to heal.
What to do?
After the holidays are done, give some time for everyone to settle back into their lives.
Take stock of any lingering bad feelings or unresolved conversations.
Don’t wrap up grudges and tuck them away to be pulled out at the next holiday season.
Make time to air out any grievances in a safe and supportive environment.
Ask for help if either of you can’t be “neutral” enough to resolve the issue. Find a friend, family member or professional to help “mediate” the conversation if needed.
One person who is courageous enough to stay connected even in the face of conflict can be an inspiration to all during the holidays. Nourish yourself, dare to listen instead of needing to be heard, tend to your deepest relationships and commit to compassionate acts towards yourself and others.
What better time than the holidays to step into our greatest power to create peace in our families, communities and the world.
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