STOP THE ESCALATION:
Breaking the Chain Reaction of Conflict
Sometimes life reveals a big problem in a small way. I was sitting with my son at the kitchen table, as he ate his granola with blueberries and yogurt, discussing the schedule for the weekend.
I mentioned a decision another parent made about her child and I saw a judgmental cloud come over his face and he said, “that’s not a good idea” then I said, “don’t say that, you don’t know the whole story” and then he said, “yeah, you are right.” And then a light bulb went off inside me and I said, “wow, I just judged you for being judgmental!” And we laughed.
Pretty harmless, I’ll admit. But something key about fighting was revealed to me.
As soon as I told him “don’t say that” I was basically judging his judgement of the situation, telling him to stop doing exactly what I was doing! A kind of chain reaction of negation started to take place. Now, he is 12 years old and very supple of mind and heart, so his next response which was preceded by a thoughtful pause, was self-reflective and responsive, “yeah your right” eliciting my insight.
Two key elements of conflict are revealed in this simple example.
1. The tendency to judge others for the exact thing we are doing ourselves. For example, yelling at the top of our voices “stop yelling at me!” or pointing out faults, “you always criticize me” (a critique).
2. We negate something that has already occurred. You shouldn’t have… (fill in some action/thought/statement made in the past). But it’s already past and done. So in essence we are arguing with reality and guess who always wins… REALITY.
The chain reaction comes when we lock horns, each negating or judging the other back and forth and no one stopping to “turn around and look at themselves” like my son so gracefully did.
And this is how a chain reaction of conflict can begin. And often it builds and strengthens, unless someone is willing to be the one to break the chain of blame and reactivity.
Again, this may seem simple and obvious, but for anyone who has been in a frustrating cycle of conflict around an issue, you know that this can be one of the hardest steps to take.
Luckily Byron Katie, creator of “The Work” has a wonderful set of “turn around” questions that can really help in these instances.
For example, with my son, my thought was:
“He should stop judging her”
So, turn the thought around:
a) To the self. ( I should stop judging her ) And I was.
b) To the other. ( I should stop judging him) And I was.
Then find specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true for you in this situation.
Put more simply, we often resist in others the very part of ourselves that we dislike. So, noticing what we judge outside ourselves is a perfect mirror of something in ourselves we do not love.
What a gift conflict and relationship becomes, when we see it for what it is: a perfect mirror, so we can see ourselves more clearly and an opportunity to replace judgement with kindness towards other and self.
Go ahead, take a peek…
Comments