Everyone has a negative story to tell about divorce. The “train-wreck” divorce, the “knock down, drag out” divorce, the “avert your eyes, car accident” divorce. It seems there is a legacy both past and present of difficult, messy, painful divorces — especially when children are involved.
Perhaps you are going through separation or divorce right now, and you find yourself terrified as you “poll” your friends and family and they share negative stories and fears, either based on experience or projected into the future.
Can you imagine how difficult it is to stay calm, centered and constructive during divorce when faced with this onslaught of cultural, societal and familial negativity.
Who you gonna call?
If you want to navigate separation or divorce with as little drama as possible it is imperative that you surround yourself with people who can stay focused on the potential for positive outcomes. Steer clear of the ones that “take sides” and “place blame.”
Assume the Worst
So many people make decisions during divorce based on fear. And you can imagine where this leads…escalation, legal battles, breakdown of trust and increased suffering. The exact opposite direction than we want to go in, especially when children are involved.
I am amazed at how often the imagined reality that my clients create is so much worse than what is really happening in the present moment. To compound the issue, they stop asking each other what is really true, and just assume the worst.
The Polar Bear vs. the Husky
Let me tell you a little story about a polar bear and a husky. Recently, I saw an incredible TED talk on the importance of play by Stuart Brown, of the National Institute of Play. In the video he describes how a polar bear was captured on film in the antarctic charging towards a tied-up husky, potentially about to become dinner for the polar bear.
As the bear neared the dog, the husky, instead of baring its teeth and growling (attack and fighting behaviors), bowed its head and wagged its tail (behaviors that indicate readiness to play). The most amazing thing happened, the polar bear played with husky instead of eating him.
Stabilize vs. Polarize
When we feel deeply threatened (as most of us do when our families, children and financial security are at risk), the body responds by having a fight or flight response. Now I am not one to say that “play” is possible much in the midst of divorce. But what I can say is that it is helpful to notice when your teeth are showing and your claws are out. There is no conceivable way to have a creative positive outcome when we are prepared for battle.
The first step is to take it down a notch from “knock down, drag out” to “hanging in there, trying our best.” After a while there might even be a glimmer of “we can figure this out together, even though it is unimaginably hard.”
This is how the story of divorce changes — by choosing to stay clear of fear and choosing the brave act of committing to a positive outcome for you, your partner and your children. That commitment is a daily act of noticing when you are charging towards your partner, gearing up for a fight – to do what it takes to bow down and change the story, moment by moment.
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